Famous Last Words

Last summer, prior to the release of the seventh and final installment of the frighteningly popular Harry Potter book series, the Kansas City Star was one of countless newsmedia outlets to run a “Deathly Hallows’ Famous Last Words” contest. The author of the books, J.K. Rowling had revealed in an interview (several years ago now) that she already had the last chapter of the last book written and tucked away in a notebook somewhere and that the last word was, “scar”. This created a huge opportunity for those meganerds who always wanted to write their own ending (or more …) to finally have their brilliance displayed for the world. Or at least their community. The rules were simple. Each entry must consist of only one sentence ending in the word “scar”; run-ons allowed, but good grammar and literary presence encouraged.

I must make a confession. My name is Roxanne, and I am a meganerd. Don’t be hatin’.

That said, I drafted six — yes, six — entries to this very contest and happened to find them stowed away in a personal folder at work. I thought I would use this blog entry to share them with you, and make comments as I see fit. If you care and have been living under a rock with no knowledge of the end of the seventh book, I will tell you now that spoilers exist in my comments. You have been warned.

1) It had been months since the final battle that had claimed the lives of not only his nemesis Voldemort, but those also of some of his closest friends, and now, Harry Potter – the Boy-Who-Lived – had awoken with a searing pain in his famous, lightning bolt-shaped scar.

The ultimate dun dun DUN, I say. Anyone who’s even only sort of familiar with the premise should know that throughout the books, pain in Harry’s scar was always due to some sort of link he had with Voldemort, and never did it mean anything good. This line reminds me of a fortune I once received in a fortune-cookie: “You laugh now. Wait till you get home.”

2) Pocketing his wand and striking a formidable pose, the young, but battle-hardened Harry Potter spat at the crumpled figure at his feet and said, “And that’s for giving me this scar.”

Ah, karma is a bitch. You can’t mar the youthful visage of the savior of Wizarding and Muggle peoples alike without encountering some payback. Stupid Dark Overlords. Who the f**k do you think you are?

3) Returning to the side of his faithful snake, Lord Voldemort conjured up and collapsed into a plush recliner and sneered, “This time, Nagini, I gave that meddling boy much more than a scar!”

Oh, Voldemort, you evil mirthless b*stard. How I loathe your very existence and all your filthy-hearted followers. Still, even I understand that you have to “let the bad guy win every once in awhile” (Billie Preston, Will It Go Round In Circles).

4) Neville Longbottom wore a lopsided grin as he took in his surroundings and thought to himself that his old friend would have probably hated “Harry Potter Day” with all its fanfare, round-spectacles and children with foreheads charmed to display a famous jagged scar.

Neville Longbottom is my hero. I laugh at myself, because I’m actually going to confess that I used to host a random website/blog/whatever called “Rather Longbottom” and the tagline was, “Because at the end of the day … wouldn’t you?” … That’s quality.

5) All the seventh-year students pulled out their textbooks and quills when Professor Binns drifted through the blackboard at the head of the classroom and indicated that class had begun by saying, “Ultimately, the eventual demise of Voldemort began on October 31, 1980 when Harry Potter was on the receiving-end of an Unforgivable curse-gone-wrong and was branded with his now infamous scar.”

Binns was a ghost that taught History of Magic, if you didn’t know. And this line, for being a one-off born from an idea that Harry Potter had to be a fixture in their worlds’ history, was actually rather prophetic in regards to Voldemort’s destruction.

6) It was the first glimpse the new students got of their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and, despite his age, his vibrant green eyes shone with delight at this new group of prospects who gasped and began whispering when he ran a hand through his grey hair and displayed the faded lightning bolt-shaped scar.

Harry did go on to do great things for Magical Law Enforcement with regards to sniffing- and snuffing-out Dark Arts after Voldemort, but he never actually taught this class, that I remember from anything Rowling ever said. I still entertain the thought that, if he didn’t teach it regularly, he at least would conduct seminars and things from time-to-time. I mean, really. He’s Harry-effing-Potter.

One of them actually made the final cut-list, but I couldn’t tell you which one now. I didn’t win, but I really thought mine had much more potential than the line that won. My cohorts and I firmly believe I was robbed by a bunch of sniveling Harry-haters. You’d have picked me, right?

After all was said and done and all the paper had their fun, Rowling divulged that once she actually set about writing the final chapter, the idea of “scar” being the last word was discarded and it was now something painfully ambiguous that no one would ever want to have contests about.

What is the last word, you ask? “Well”.